[ It's an anchoring thing, keeping him settled at the moment, despite the heat of the simulation room, despite the sweat on his face, despite the heaviness of his heart. It feels okay, somehow, as if he can sink into the depths of his feelings, to let it burn through him and then disappear once it is all completely processed. It's not going to go away forever, but at least for a little bit... He might be able to feel better.
Frowning, he stares at his hands, his missing fingers, and he lets his mind churn. ]
He knows Nanami died. He doesn't know how, or anything like that.
[ It's not something that Yuji talks about a lot.
Not really.
The memory of Nanami there, burned and hurt. The memory of Mahito, reaching out to touch him. That the last real touch Nanami felt was that curse, the cruelty of his fingers, the knowledge that he was going to die... It sickens him. ]
I don't think he meant to hurt me. Not until the end of the argument, anyway.
[ His thoughts race, still fast and a little jumpy for the adrenaline rush from before, as he takes all these pieces of information offered to put them together and try to form a full picture that makes sense; something that he can look at as objectively as possible and rationalize. Problem is, with every piece added, it only makes less sense to him. Possibly it doesn't help that he does not know the exact nature of the relationship between Nanami and both Choso and Yuji (he's important to them, that much is obvious and perhaps all that matters) or the man himself, but Choso has always felt simple enough to understand with that absolute single-minded focus on family.
He knows Yuji planned to do something for Nanami's birthday, he knows Nanami died and thus would know the added weight the day carries, and yet...?
He makes a noise, close to a soft hum, sympathetic but with his bewilderment bleeding through. ]
Still, he knew, that's- [ Hm. ] Did you have a disagreement about something else before that...?
[ It feels, to Yuji, like he has had a lead weight in his chest this whole time.
Nanami is dead. He’s not going to go home with them. He’s not coming back, and this is it. The idea of missing those precious moments and those important memories makes him ache and hurt, makes him feel that all too familiar grief - the knowledge that something else has been taken from him. It keeps slipping through his fingers and he doesn’t know quite how to manage it.
Instead… He carries it all in his heart.
Shaking his head, he sighs. ]
Only the stuff with Eresh-chan, but we talked about that, so…
[ He could be wrong — he very much hopes he is, it feels wrong and cruel to even consider — but it almost seems like payback for Yuji's impulsive leap into the rift then. It's speculation that Yuta swallows down and keeps to himself when Yuji is already hurting enough as is without Yuta's propensity for gloomier thoughts and leanings towards worst conclusions drawn making it worse. Although hard to imagine with the facts given, it could just be plain ignorance, too. Choso isn't human, might not think the same way about certain things. Nanami could have had a hand in planning the trip. Without knowing anything from their side, there's just no telling.
(Try as he might to put himself in Choso's shoes, he can't imagine ever doing such a thing to his little sister though. Not when he knows exactly how heavy the cloak of grief is, not when he tore himself away from his family and all the comforts of a stable home just to keep her safe.)
His confusion takes a different turn at the way Yuji trails off, head tilting to the side as a result. ]
Choso had said he didn’t blame him for what happened, that he’d simply been glad for Yuji being back, but… It’s hard not to think the two are connected. In his corrupted state he’d almost murdered his brother in a blind rage, and now a few weeks later the emotion wound is festering. Yuji trusts Choso, trusts him to protect him and look out for him and be good, but at the same time… It does feel intentional.
It does feel like this is some sort of punishment for leaping into the Rift. As if being experimented on, tortured and starved almost to death wasn’t punishment enough, as if the nightmares and the haunting dreams and the sorrow in all their faces wasn’t enough. It makes him feel something close to nausea, and he’s not really to process it all yet.
Glancing at Yuta, he hesitates before he breathes out. ]
Choso made it sounds like they were gonna… Do things. He said it was ‘masochism’, so… Naughty stuff.
[ And Yuji really didn’t need to know that part. ]
[ The blank confusion and polite curiosity are swiftly ushered from his face the more Yuji goes on. The hesitant 'do things' already has a dreadful, dawning realization beginning to form that 'masochism' more or less cinches, but then— ]
Ehh!?
[ A surprised sputter escapes him all the same. Maybe he has no right to be shocked when he does not know them well at all and yet he can't help his reaction. There's a myriad of emotions that flicker across his face in rapid succession going from surprised to mortified to kind of dumbfounded, in which state he murmurs: ]
I— didn't realize they were that close...
[ But his journey after the initial jarring revelation, eventually, has him settling into a stern disapproval. Not only is telling Yuji that inappropriate, it's just rubbing salt in the wound, isn't it? ]
Even so, that's no excuse and there was no need to even allude to anything like that.
I didn’t know either. I don’t know if that’s what they’re really doing or if Choso wanted to make me more mad, but…
[ But he still said it.
Isn’t that enough?
Yuji is still struggling to come to terms with it all, still finding it all hard and too much to deal with, especially in the wake of what happened last month. It’s impossible not to blame himself, and now…. Now he’s here, feeling stuck and stupid and wrong, somehow. ]
[ Whether it's the actual truth behind the trip or not doesn't particularly matter, the intent to be hurtful seems plenty clear in how Yuji tells it. As an older sibling, Yuta feels like he should be able to give some advice here and yet he draws a frustrating blank when he's never even really fought with his little sister (certainly not in any comparable fashion to this); doting older brother that he is. ]
I wish I had the answers for you or that I could at least explain what they might be thinking, but...
[ He doesn't know. It just seems unfathomable and cruel to him after everything that Yuji endured. Not just in the last month but all that precedes it, too, but Yuta might be biased and have more (karmic) insight there than most.
There's a quiet sigh and a shake of his head to dispel the simmering frustration at people who are not currently present. ]
I'm sorry, Yuji. I guess the best thing to do is talk this out when they get back, but you have every right to be upset.
[ It was just disconcerting, and that's why Yuji shut it all down and immediately went to cry about it elsewhere. When he had first heard about Choso and Toji he had been alarmed but as understanding as he could be, but Choso and Nanami...? The guy Yuji sees as one of the most important people in his life, ever? It's hard to rationalise or explain away the immediate, knee-jerk reaction. ]
I don't want to talk to them about it. I don't want to know anything about it, ever.
[ It's - too much!! ]
And I told him not to tell me when he's back, too.
Ah, no, not about— that. [ Like dear god, no. Best not to touch that particular subject (masochism? really?) with a ten foot pole. ] I meant the argument and why you feel the way you do. The only way to really make them understand how important this is to you is to tell them, no?
[ A soft, thoughtful hum. ]
But maybe that will at least give you time until you feel a little more ready to do that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Frowning, he stares at his hands, his missing fingers, and he lets his mind churn. ]
He knows Nanami died. He doesn't know how, or anything like that.
[ It's not something that Yuji talks about a lot.
Not really.
The memory of Nanami there, burned and hurt. The memory of Mahito, reaching out to touch him. That the last real touch Nanami felt was that curse, the cruelty of his fingers, the knowledge that he was going to die... It sickens him. ]
I don't think he meant to hurt me. Not until the end of the argument, anyway.
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He knows Yuji planned to do something for Nanami's birthday, he knows Nanami died and thus would know the added weight the day carries, and yet...?
He makes a noise, close to a soft hum, sympathetic but with his bewilderment bleeding through. ]
Still, he knew, that's- [ Hm. ] Did you have a disagreement about something else before that...?
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Nanami is dead. He’s not going to go home with them. He’s not coming back, and this is it. The idea of missing those precious moments and those important memories makes him ache and hurt, makes him feel that all too familiar grief - the knowledge that something else has been taken from him. It keeps slipping through his fingers and he doesn’t know quite how to manage it.
Instead… He carries it all in his heart.
Shaking his head, he sighs. ]
Only the stuff with Eresh-chan, but we talked about that, so…
[ He frowns. ]
I think they’re gonna… You know…
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(Try as he might to put himself in Choso's shoes, he can't imagine ever doing such a thing to his little sister though. Not when he knows exactly how heavy the cloak of grief is, not when he tore himself away from his family and all the comforts of a stable home just to keep her safe.)
His confusion takes a different turn at the way Yuji trails off, head tilting to the side as a result. ]
What?
[ Sorry Yuji, your senpai is clueless. ]
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Choso had said he didn’t blame him for what happened, that he’d simply been glad for Yuji being back, but… It’s hard not to think the two are connected. In his corrupted state he’d almost murdered his brother in a blind rage, and now a few weeks later the emotion wound is festering. Yuji trusts Choso, trusts him to protect him and look out for him and be good, but at the same time… It does feel intentional.
It does feel like this is some sort of punishment for leaping into the Rift. As if being experimented on, tortured and starved almost to death wasn’t punishment enough, as if the nightmares and the haunting dreams and the sorrow in all their faces wasn’t enough. It makes him feel something close to nausea, and he’s not really to process it all yet.
Glancing at Yuta, he hesitates before he breathes out. ]
Choso made it sounds like they were gonna… Do things. He said it was ‘masochism’, so… Naughty stuff.
[ And Yuji really didn’t need to know that part. ]
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Ehh!?
[ A surprised sputter escapes him all the same. Maybe he has no right to be shocked when he does not know them well at all and yet he can't help his reaction. There's a myriad of emotions that flicker across his face in rapid succession going from surprised to mortified to kind of dumbfounded, in which state he murmurs: ]
I— didn't realize they were that close...
[ But his journey after the initial jarring revelation, eventually, has him settling into a stern disapproval. Not only is telling Yuji that inappropriate, it's just rubbing salt in the wound, isn't it? ]
Even so, that's no excuse and there was no need to even allude to anything like that.
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[ But he still said it.
Isn’t that enough?
Yuji is still struggling to come to terms with it all, still finding it all hard and too much to deal with, especially in the wake of what happened last month. It’s impossible not to blame himself, and now…. Now he’s here, feeling stuck and stupid and wrong, somehow. ]
I don’t really know what to do, Yuta.
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I wish I had the answers for you or that I could at least explain what they might be thinking, but...
[ He doesn't know. It just seems unfathomable and cruel to him after everything that Yuji endured. Not just in the last month but all that precedes it, too, but Yuta might be biased and have more (karmic) insight there than most.
There's a quiet sigh and a shake of his head to dispel the simmering frustration at people who are not currently present. ]
I'm sorry, Yuji. I guess the best thing to do is talk this out when they get back, but you have every right to be upset.
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I don't want to talk to them about it. I don't want to know anything about it, ever.
[ It's - too much!! ]
And I told him not to tell me when he's back, too.
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Ah, no, not about— that. [ Like dear god, no. Best not to touch that particular subject (masochism? really?) with a ten foot pole. ] I meant the argument and why you feel the way you do. The only way to really make them understand how important this is to you is to tell them, no?
[ A soft, thoughtful hum. ]
But maybe that will at least give you time until you feel a little more ready to do that.
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[ It seems like just that little bit too much when he already asks enough from him. ]
I'll think about it, I guess.
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But it's a big deal to you, isn't it?
[ Obviously. ]
Wouldn't you want to know if you were in his shoes and someone you cared about was upset like this?
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[ A small shake of his head. ]
I'm a bit more emotional.
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[ Asked point-blank with a tilt of his head and a gentle, firmer nudge of his knee. ]
There's nothing wrong with that. I like that you're so earnest. I'm sure others do, too.
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[ Yuji hums softly. ]
I'll just... Keep trying.
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[ And trying is all they can keep doing while they're still here, alive, anyway. ]
But if there's anything I can do to help, please don't hesitate to let me know.
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[ Yuji smiles softly, relaxing. ]
Thanks, Yuta.
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[ Instant, easy, with a gentle smile to match. ]
Anytime, Yuji.
[ Something he means wholeheartedly. After all, he lives in service of his friends. ]